I can’t pinpoint what started it. Food poisoning, heat, repetition. Heightened emotions, arguments, relaxing weeks, but repetition. Too much food, not enough food, not enough exercise, and repetition. Has anything changed in four weeks? I haven’t.
When we accept Christ, we are new creations. We leave our old selves behind and try to mirror Jesus. But sometimes we fail. In reality, we fail a lot. I was frustrated in October because of arguments with friends and church messages that weren’t encouraging me. I was lazy because I had no tests or homework for weeks so I watched Netflix all the time (ask my roomie how many times she walked in when the TV wasn’t on–it’ll be easier for her to count). I distanced myself from God and stopped reading, journaling, and praying. Looking back, it feels a lot like I slept for nearly 31 days–I wasted an entire month of my year and my life. There is a difference between realizing things at half speed and completely pressing pause, and in October I chose to press pause.
I wasn’t helping to lift others up; my anger and frustration caused me to bring others down. My exhaustion from doing so much nothing that led to me doing even less wasn’t showing others the strength of God; I was showing them that a life with Christ is no different than a life without. And that is the worst thing I can do. A life without Christ isn’t a life. To feel love, to know joy, to feel full–that is to know Christ. If you think you have experienced joy but have not decided to put your trust in the Lord, think again. And if you think this is coming from someone who didn’t fight Christians in the past and say I’d felt joy without knowing God, think again. I thought I’d felt those things years ago, but then I found God.
I’m happy it’s November. I’m not particularly excited when I think about another year flying by faster than the last, or excited that I went through October with my eyes closed to all God offers us daily. I am just grateful for fresh beginnings, and that’s how I see the start of each month and how I’m trying to see the start of each day.
If you’ve pressed pause lately, or even a long time ago, realize you’re going nowhere. Growth can come in slow motion, but it can’t come if you aren’t moving anywhere at all. You have to press play.
You have to wake up.
This post was a reflection of my second month of being intentionally single to grow closer to God. If you’d like to hear more about October or what this year is all about to me, feel free to email me!